Have you been reading Tonya‘s posts this week? I have. I feel very connected to her even though we have never met. We share a bond that crosses any barriers. We also have similar tastes in food. Today I was going to leave her a comment on her post and after 4 paragraphs I realized I should just post my story. Perhaps what I am going to share will help someone. I have not shared this before, online or otherwise.
Three weeks after I graduated from college Igot the period from H-E double hockey sticks. It was so painful it kept me up at night. I couldn’t function. I had just started a new job and couldn’t call in sick, I felt, and didn’t have any insurance yet. I couldn’t go to the doctor so I did what every woman does. Talk to other women about it. They told me I was having a miscarriage. The world went black. So many emotions I couldn’t feel them all. Like laying on a bed of nails. Each nail could pierce your heart by itself but because there are so many close together you can’t feel them.
I felt relieved because I had not wanted a baby yet. I felt ashamed because I felt relieved. I felt guilt because I worked in a job with dangerous chemicals that could have caused the miscarriage. I felt anger because I had been promised insurance but did not get it and therefore could not go to the doctor to see what was happening. I felt a sense of wonder that my body did actually work ( I had always suspected I was infertile). I was grieving a child I had not known. I wept because this child died without ever being loved.
Time went on. I quit the terrible job that I had gone to school for 4 years to learn. I had been betrayed by all of my professors who told me what the job was like. They lied. I didn’t deal with any of the emotions – I just stayed busy. I got a new job where I worked 7am to 7pm 6 days a week and sometimes much more than that. My heart didn’t have time to feel, only to beat.
I got pregnant again. By accident, again. The earth stopped on its axis and all of the emotions caught up to me. I bacame super-preggers. This time I would do it right. I had been given another chance and I would not mess this one up. I quit painting my nails because what if the baby absorbed those chemicals? I choked down plums even I though I swear they look just like sheep testicles. I asked my husband to carry out the garbage because it might be too heavy for me. And yet I didn’t let myself hope. It couldn’t be real.
Then she was born. The most beautiful baby this world has ever seen! She was perfect in every way. A light switch was flipped in me. I realized I was created to be this child’s mother. Every breath I took for the rest of my life would be for her. I realized that day that God did love me and had given me a second chance. I quit my job again and started my life as mommy.
The world was wonderful. My daughter was perfect. I loved my husband. We should have another baby! We got pregnant very easily and shouted from the rooftops! I started wearing maternity clothes 10 minutes later. I did everything right again. I was in control, you see. As long as I did everything right, nothing could go wrong. I started to bleed. No worries, though. I had bled a lot during my pregnancy with my daughter. This was just how my body worked, right? I had not been to the doctor yet. They did not want to see me until I was 14 weeks along. Ok. I bled a little heavier. I can fix this. I got out my stack of pregnancy books and read them cover to cover. Most of the time a miscarriage is caused by a chromosomal abnormality. I read this as my child may have physical and mental problems. I braced myself up and said that is fine. I can handle that. I will love this baby no less. It was still all about me. I controlled everything, I needed another baby, I would be strong.
Ever get hit in the head with a hammer? That is how God talks to me. It has happened several times in my life. Maybe I’m so bull-headed that is the only way He can get through to me. But anyway, I got a hammer to the head. What if my selfishness in needing this child was causing this child harm? On my knees and weeping I gave my unborn baby to God. I asked Him to place my child in the best place whether it be in my arms or His. If my child would only suffer great pain in this world, would He please spare my baby? Would He please hold my baby until I got to heaven? God answered my prayer. He took my baby to heaven where there is no pain. My baby has an older brother or sister to love and God the Father to rock-a-bye with.
That day I accepted God into my heart in a new way. He was not there because some book said so, or my Sunday School teacher told me so. He was there because I needed Him and He was there.
I have learned more lessons since then. I’ll tell you about them later, after I wipe up these mysterious puddles at my feet.